With Tax Day almost upon us, one can not help but notice the numbers surrounding one's life. I have a book in which I list and track all of my bill's and expenses for a given month. Listed on those pages is my life in numbers.
How much I pay for the roof over my head...
Cost of electricity for the previous month...
My internet bill (very important)...
Car payment...
Insurance...
Credit Card bills...
Loan payments to college, loan provider, and the Department of Education (those in my name and in my mothers)...
And money I owe the IRS of course...
I also track how much I spend on gas and food. With gas and produce prices constantly fluctuating, it almost feels like gambling each month to see how much I saved in comparison to the month previous.
I have a love/hate relationship with my numbers. At the beginning of each month, I feel that dread and anxiety of whether or not I will be able to pay all my bills for that month. Going day by day weighing my options of which costs can be met now and which will have to wait... Will I have to deal with calls from bill collectors? Should I avoid them? Each time I make a payment, I feel a sense of relief and a bit of accomplishment. Which is of course short lived since I have to start considering which bill will be next. Then when I reach the last week or so of the month and all bills have been scratched off, a calm sets in... My financial responsibilities have been met. I have to force myself at times to not think about the next month, because I know I deserve that last week of peace from the numbers. The anxiety can start again on the 1st.
When I did my taxes this year, I felt such pride at knowing how much money I made last year. I know my family wasn't making this kind of money till much later in life. But I also know that my accomplishments have a cost. Unlike most of the people I went to school with, I am responsible for paying for my college degree. I did not go to a local school, which would have been more cost effective. I chose to go to the school with the best Literary Department in the country. And everyone knows that quality has a high price tag. I honestly did not realize the dept I was putting myself into. I was 19 and ambitious and desperate for something greater than my circumstances. Moments of regret do pass by from time to time, but I do not give them much thought because I loved my college experience. I will be paying for it for a very long time, but it was worth it. I have to repeat that to myself every now and again.
Numbers can be cruel at times... But in the end, aren't the experiences worth it?
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