The Numbers Game - Tax Time Contemplation

With Tax Day almost upon us, one can not help but notice the numbers surrounding one's life.  I have a book in which I list and track all of my bill's and expenses for a given month.  Listed on those pages is my life in numbers.
How much I pay for the roof over my head...
Cost of electricity for the previous month...
My internet bill (very important)...
Car payment...
Insurance...
Credit Card bills...
Loan payments to college, loan provider, and the Department of Education (those in my name and in my mothers)...
And money I owe the IRS of course...
I also track how much I spend on gas and food.  With gas and produce prices constantly fluctuating, it almost feels like gambling each month to see how much I saved in comparison to the month previous.
I have a love/hate relationship with my numbers.  At the beginning of each month, I feel that dread and anxiety of whether or not I will be able to pay all my bills for that month.  Going day by day weighing my options of which costs can be met now and which will have to wait... Will I have to deal with calls from bill collectors? Should I avoid them?  Each time I make a payment, I feel a sense of relief and a bit of accomplishment.  Which is of course short lived since I have to start considering which bill will be next.  Then when I reach the last week or so of the month and all bills have been scratched off, a calm sets in... My financial responsibilities have been met.  I have to force myself  at times to not think about the next month, because I know I deserve that last week of peace from the numbers.  The anxiety can start again on the 1st.
When I did my taxes this year, I felt such pride at knowing how much money I made last year.  I know my family wasn't making this kind of money till much later in life.  But I also know that my accomplishments have a cost.  Unlike most of the people I went to school with, I am responsible for paying for my college degree.  I did not go to a local school, which would have been more cost effective.  I chose to go to the school with the best Literary Department in the country.  And everyone knows that quality has a high price tag.  I honestly did not realize the dept I was putting myself into.  I was 19 and ambitious and desperate for something greater than my circumstances.  Moments of regret do pass by from time to time, but I do not give them much thought because I loved my college experience.  I will be paying for it for a very long time, but it was worth it.  I have to repeat that to myself every now and again.
Numbers can be cruel at times...  But in the end, aren't the experiences worth it?

Thanksgiving and Black Friday Aftermath

Another holiday has pasted.  Our stomachs are overstuffed.  Our fridges are loaded with leftovers.  Our wallets feel a little loose.  And some of us have secret purchases hidden somewhere in our homes.
After Thanksgiving dinner I brought home enough leftovers to feed me for a week, at least.  Vegetarian Shepard's Pie, Fried Pierogies, Stuffed Mushrooms, Green bean Casserole, and Brown bag Apple Pie.  If I were to eat all of this alone, I'm sure I would start the holiday weight gain, but that is not going to happen this year.  Being the controlling type A personality that I am, I have frozen most of it and have planned meals so that I won't find myself entering a food comma every night.  A delicious food comma it might be, but food commas are not healthy.  I am trying really hard to enjoy a healthy(ish) holiday.  This is not the best time of year for healthy(ish).  To those of you trying like I am, I wish you good luck.
For the last few Black Fridays, I have purchased gifts for family and friends, in addition to getting necessary things for myself.  This year however, due to financial strain, I did not purchase gifts.  I instead got the neutral bras I needed from Victoria's Secret and tea candles from Yankee Candle, small treats for myself this holiday season.  From what I noticed, the Walmart parking lot was full, as well as most of the other shopping centers.  It was nice to see that people were still going all out this time of year, buying gifts and thinking of others.
So now that we are done with Thanksgiving, it is time for prepping for Christmas.  Though honestly, I prefer saying X-mas.  I've got a box of lights to hang to spruce things up and the gifts I am making this year have been prepped.  I am really looking forward to what I am going to be making.  It will be meaningful, simple, and delicious.  
So let the holiday music begin! Can everyone make special requests for Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong?! They are who I enjoy listening to this time of year.

The Beginning of the Holiday Season

It's that time again... Time for lavish homemade dinners. Time for decorating our homes. Time for bringing our families together. Time for crazy shopping excursions. Time to amp up the stress level in our lives and surround it with sparkly lights.
The holidays have always been a game of Russian Rullet for me.  I love planning the meals and subtly decorating my home.  Decorative candles are my favorite tool.  Robust scents and glittery flickering lights  set the tone for my holidays.  I have never been a religious person so I keep away from the angels, crosses, and other religious connotations.  The risk for me lies with my family.  I know I'm not the only one who thinks this.  Every year we begin with making plans in a pleasant and cooperative mood, but the issue is when we get to the dinner and we start talking.  Everyone has their family dramas.  I have spent the last few years of my life becoming the person who is always upfront and honest.  If I have an issue with something, I say it.  I don't bury it deep inside and let it fester.  Of course there are times where discretion is mandatory and I acknowledge that.  I look at the family holiday dinners as a truse time.  No one has to surrender anything, just sit together and joke about the good times.  Essentially remember why we are family.  But I know that certain members of my family don't think that way.  So whether or not my holidays are like those Hallmark commercials or a hellacious screaming match is determined by who is or is not willing to play nice.
So this morning I began my holiday season by baking a family staple, the brown bag apple pie.  The carving of the apples and sprinkling of sugar, flour, and cinnamon is mesmerizing for me.  Now my apartment smells like a warm homemade apple pie.  Let the festivities begin!
To everyone, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving.  And good luck with your family encounters.

Everyone Needs A Little Routine

They say practice makes perfect, but what they don't say is that half the battle is the desire to practice.  If you are like me, you enjoy creating routines, you need to practice something.  However, sometimes you just want to stay in bed, you want to watch the next episode of that TV show, you want to sit and do nothing.  But once you get a taste of doing nothing, it can be hard to get back up and get back into the routines, to start practicing again.
Lately, getting back into my practice has been the hardest thing I am trying to do, even harder than getting a second job.  My practices include yoga, running, training my two silly dogs, and studying Italian.  I am a workaholic, so in order for me to avoid my practices, I work.  I choose to accept this because I love my job.  I believe that all the work I do for my job contributes to a great cause, educating others.  So being the logic based person that I am, I argue that if I am doing good for others, then I am doing good for myself.  But here's the thing, you have to have a balance of what you do for others and what you do for yourself.  You have to take care of yourself.  You have to invest time in yourself so that you can be at your best if you choose to help others.
So what is the point of this post you might ask?
Honestly, part of it is to guilt trip myself into getting myself back into my 5am run.  Another part is to try and put out a little inspiration for others.  Truth be told, it's hard as hell to get our acts together.  Why put in all the effort when you can just do nothing... it's so much easier, don't you think?  But then we would be rather dull, and fat, and boring.  People like that are sad and a bit pathetic.  Do you want to be like that?  I sure as hell don't.  I'm not going to give a Carpe Diem speech, because those annoy me.  Yes they can be inspirational, but we need to be better than that.  Make up your own mind.  Make your own choice.  What do you want to do?
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Don't you think it's time you started doing it?

Beginning To Feel Like Fall

It is finally coming to my favorite time of year.  We are reaching the end of summer, beginning of fall, which means chilly mornings, warm days, and cool evenings.  It would be so much nicer if I had patio furniture so that I could enjoy the cool breezes while drinking ice tea and reading my newest novel choice, or studying Italian, which is probably more likely right now.  Since I am in the south, this is also the time for high school football.  I am an alumni of Station Camp High School, but I have a feeling going to Hendersonville High School games will be much more entertaining.
I have a feeling it is going to be another beautiful day, so to everyone, I request that you all enjoy the fresh air.  Take the time to go for a walk, maybe even a run.  Find a patio and drink something cold with a friend or group of friends while discussing old times, new things, fun ideas, or make plans for even more people.  Or if you are like me and just want to enjoy the sounds of nature and solitude, grab a book and find a bench at a park and people watch while you immerse yourself in a story.
Carpe Diem.

Getting It Together

So now that the family stuff is under raps and I have got my thoughts in order, it is time to get things done.  I finished working on my resume today and now I am looking at a massive pile of magazines and printed pages with reference to articles that I would really like to reread and write about.  May the excitement and anticipation of things to come begin...

Bloomberg Business Week

"The Future Retail Wasteland" - Brad Stone and David Welch, with Jim Aley

We all saw it coming.  As the Internet made our now everyday products available online via Amazon and Ebay, the once popular mega stores, like Walmart, Target, and Best Buy, began their decent to the retail wasteland.  

This essay uses the rise and fall of previous chief executive officer Brian Dunn's career with Best Buy to illustrate the inevitable change in sales for the company.  What was once the key selling point for Best Buy, as Dunn enthusiastically explains, has now become it's central reason for decline: choice.  "Shoppers are finding more choices online - primarily at Amazon.com - where they can often find a better deal. At the same time choice has narrowed in product categories such as HDTV's and PCs.  There's hardly a reason anymore to line up various models in a showroom."  We all remember the days when we would physically have to go to these mega stores in order to compare the differences in products due to the variety that was available.  We also remember the issues that came with going to these stores, essentially that the sales clerks never knew the facts about the products, and that the whole ritual of buying was more like a game of Russian roulette.  Now however, in our tech savy society,  the standards of products have gone to whatever is up to date and mainstream, thus making them essential.  Instead of having to peruse through stores, we can view our desired products online in the comfort of our homes.  Instead of having to deal with unknowledgable sales clerks, now we can find all the information we need on product pages, which are conveniently accompanied by personal comments and ratings from other buyers so the risk of a bad purchase on our part is almost obsolete.  And then, if we would still prefer to purchase at a store instead of online, popular brands like Apple and HP have opened their own smaller stores focusing only on their products, thus giving us a reliable location to go to for purchase, instruction,  and repair if need be.

So what are these once mega stores doing to compensate for the market changes?  In order to compete, these stores have opened up to the online market and are now working to downgrade their physical stores to focus on whatever is keeping that particular retailer afloat. Walmart, for example, has been closing several of it's once heralded mega stores and traded them for smaller stores focusing mainly on grocery products.  

Our choices have lead to the fall of these retailers.  If we continue on our current heading, will these stores eventually become ghosts in our towns?  Or is it possible that we will leave the digital market and see the resurrection of these previous icons?  Honestly I don't see the latter happening.  As much as I might dislike it, we are on our way to becoming a digital world.  If these stores plan on surviving, they need to adapt quickly and try to get ahead of the market, or I am sure they will become only entries in our digital archives.

Vogue: January 2012

Vogue: January 2012

I really loved this issue's Point of View, Only You.  This month was all about capturing Persona.  Their lady of choice was the awe inspiring and completely amazing Meryl Streep!  It comes as no surprise that they picked this magnificent actress since her career is based on creating persona's, and doing it beautifully I might add.  Here are my notes from this month's issue.  Ladies, you really should pick this up and enjoy it from cover to cover.

pg. 69

Meryl Streep, know for COMING INTO HER OWN-charisma!!!

And so this months Vogue is all about PERSONA.

What 2012 demands isn't a uniform, it's that ONE SPECIAL PIECE that says me, loud and clear.

amber valletta and shalom harlow - It's not only their killer bone structure but the FIRE OF INTELLIGENCE AND CHARACTER behind their eyes.  Ladies, shouldn't we all be able to show our fire?.?.?.?

This year isn't a minimalist moment in which your plain, trim, all-white look may disappear if you stand too close to the whitewashed gallery wall; this is a moment of MAXIMUM IMPACT, when your all white is more likely to be Oscar de la Renta's no-two-flakes-alike snowstorm of lace.  The only "closet essential" now is a healthy SENSE OF SELF.

pg. 36

UPFRONT: Getting a Grip: The motivation to exercise was elusive, Rebecca Johnson writes, until she reconnected with the sport of her youth.

"Athletics were never a part of our family life."  "To them, work kept you fit.  Games were for the idle."  'Divorce has a way of overturning everything you know."  "The strongest relationships are ones where people come together in spite of their differences.  On the big issues, we were in sync."  "We're not always good at figuring out what makes us happy."  "In a bid to be a good parent, I'd hollowed too much of myself out.  It wasn't good for me, and ultimately, it wasn't going to be good for my children.  What I needed was to be more like them.  Selfish without the guilt.

pg. 57

VIEW: Light Cycle: When it comes to sparkling embellishment for spring, says Sarah Mower, go full speed ahead.

All this shouldn't be misread as an oblivious Marie Antoinette-ish reaction to a tanking economy.  Arguably, the impulse to decorate and be damned hasn't been so much handed down from the haute to the masses as stoked by the street.  It's the young --- the very section of the population who have led the rebellion against sober dressing for somber times.

The message for spring: Make do and shine.

pg. 104

Meryl Streep: Force of Nature

Discussion on how she is probably the oldest female to make the Vogue cover and her new film coming out, The Irony Lady as Margaret Thatcher.  A one of a kind woman playing an ultimate one of a kind power woman.

pg.  112

Secret Garden

(I would love to have a house that way... so awesome!)

How to take an old rundown house and turn it into a garden home.

pg. 120

Face Value-Catherine Piercy

"The moon lives in the lining of your skin," wrote the poet Pablo Nerudo.  He could have been describing the looks at Rochas and Christopher Ke, where models walked the runway with complexions so ethereally pristine, "they were practically alien," says their creator, makeup artist Lucia Pieroni.

Your skin is the first thing someone notices about you.

(new foundations) The finish it provides is "matte but not dry.  It's luminous but not shiny,"... "It's a little bit see-through.  It just looks like... skin."

With laser-cut leathers, celluloid paillettes, and moldable microfibers reshaping the face of fashion in recent seasons, it's little surprise that designers are treating foundations as fabric, too.

The ultimate fantasy foundation, however, may be the one that doesn't just create the illusion of better skin, it actually creates better skin.

pg. 122

A Man for all Seasons: Marc Jacobs

pg. 130

Mood Indigo: Denim is once again singing the blues.

Taking jeans from casual to high fashion.

*Versatility

In other words, quality doesn't have to cost a fortune.

What's been going on...

Due to a series of shitty life events, I decided to hold back from blogging because my emotions were in too big a spin to give coherent opinions on anything.  I instead have been writing in journals and sending incoherent angry emails to myself (benefit of having multiply emails) to organize, and in many cases rationalize, my thoughts.  Over the last few months, i have drained myself to my physical and emotional limits.  It is usually pretty simple to recover from one dramatic event in your life, but to be hit with several back to back is completely crippling to one's soul.  And, as is stupidly typical for people my age, we sometimes seek ways to forget our troubles instead of facing them.  And in my case it was, God only knows how many... margaritas mixed with more 151 Bacardi than Tequila.  Bad... bad... bad... very stupid bad idea... The one and only(if I have anything to say about it) time I have completely blacked out and was incapable of, well if truth be told, anything!  Having a fever and a body that can't hold itself up is not a good life choice.  Take it from me... too much 151 is really really bad...
Anyway, I digress from the point of this post...
I have decided to do what everyone with whom I have divulged my sorrows to has suggested I do.  Without naming names, I am going to be openly honest with myself and throw it out there... in the wide open space that is the cyber world...  I don't really expect anyone to really follow this post. This is more of what I need to do to move out of my writer's block and lose this (metaphorical) weight that I have been caring around the last few months.
So it is time I started being honest with myself... not that I haven't been... it is more so the avoiding of truths.  For  example, I have been trying to ignore the obvious.  The obvious being the state of things in my relationships at my home and amongst my friends.  I recently went through a break-up that honestly completely threw me.  I wasn't blindsided per se, but I just did not want to believe that it was possible.  Watching something you really care about fall apart in front of yours eyes can really throw a wrench in your reasoning capabilities.  And honestly, I am still having issues with it, though no where near as bad.  I have moved on from feeling betrayed to just wondering "why"... not the "why" that the ex-partner would need to answer (I have reluctantly released that burden)(that was also hard to make peace with, but I did), but the "why" to the world.  They say time heals all wounds.  Speaking from experience, recalling my much younger years, I say that is a load of crock.  But in this case I am hoping that time will help me forget it.  Shrink it over time till it becomes faded memory.  The thing about this relationship is that it had what I am going to call a ripple affect on another significant friendship of mine.  I was really close to the person and considered her a kindred sister to me in this world, but due to choices I wish hadn't been made, closed doors were pulled open and new wounds were made.  This poor friend put on herself a dilemma which, in truth, has destroyed our bond.  I wish with all my heart that she had not opened those doors, not for myself, but for her.  Though we don't speak of it, I saw how it wounded her and still is tormenting her.  It seems we can now only deal with each other in polite conversation which never goes beyond our respective occupations.  They are our chosen scabs for now till our inevitable seperation will truly allow us as individuals to heal.  I think it is sad that this is the state we must live in for the next few months, but it is what it is.  The continuing of this ripple spread amongst my close network of friends.   This ripple was a double edged sword in many ways, but the most significant being that it revealed those persons of whom I could actually count on in the coming years, those people through which I know a real bond was forged and I look forward to keeping 50 years from now.
So, what is my conclusion with all this... Simple... I am who I am.  I will remain bluntly honest with the world as I have always been.  I will remain a source of strength to the people I care about.  And most importantly, I am moving on, regardless of the consequences.  I foresee seriously falling on my ass soon, which I am allowed to do in this part of my life, but I will get up, dust off, and keep moving forward.  When I come to write my memoirs several years from now, I think it will all make for a compelling story, and then hopefully others will learn from reading my mistakes instead of having to live through them themselves.

Spoken words versus Tech words...

In my day to day conversations, I have noticed how people are not really talking anymore.  When I say talking, I mean speaking with words out loud.  Instead, people are glued to their phones and computer screens as the central means of communication.  What happened to writing letters? What happen to enthusiastic evening conversations? Has the spoken word become out dated?

I don't know about everyone else, but I miss talking to people. Thanks to my friends, I have learned how to text and converse via the recent tech communications.  As many people already know, I am an English Literature major.  I love reading and writing.  As I have also discussed before, I miss people writing letters and writings out their thoughts and tribulations.  Anyway, what do you all think about people talking via technology?  What are the pro's and con's of the technological takeover?